Faith, Patience, and the Plan of Becoming
We existed before we were born. There are some important things we know about that and a lot that we don’t. We know that we’ve always existed, at least as some form of intelligence, and that God didn’t just create intelligence or matter “out of nothing.”
We know that God has a body of flesh and bones and that he somehow formed for us bodies of spirit that are in the form of his own physical body. Through this, or perhaps before, he became our father and is the father of our spirits. He was not alone in this. Though we know little about our Heavenly Mother, it is essential to understand that we are the spiritual offspring of Heavenly Parents, both male and female.
Gender is critical to who they are–and to who each one of us is. Each of us “is a beloved son or daughter of heavenly parents.” “Each [of us] has a divine nature and destiny.” “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”
Therefore, attached to our gender are qualities of our nature (what we are), our purpose (why we are), and our destiny (where we’re going). To be a daughter of God is wonderful, purposeful, majestic, and divine. To be a son of God is wonderful, purposeful, majestic, and divine. They are equal. They are not the same.
As children of Heavenly Parents, the intended destiny for each of us–without exception: male or female, black or white, gay or straight–is to become like our Heavenly Parents. Men like our Heavenly Father. And women like our Heavenly Mother. Our intended destiny is to gain their respective capacities and perfections, to love and lift in ways that they do, and to experience joy and happiness in ways only they can. They experience joy and happiness in the most complete senses of those words. They invite us to follow their path to realizing that same ability.
To help us fulfill our destiny of becoming like them, Heavenly Father created a plan. This involved creating an earth for us. For reasons I don’t understand, earth is the place where we can gain a physical body, no matter how briefly we’re here. It is apparently also the only place where physical ordinances can be performed–by us or for us–that open certain doors and activate certain powers on our behalf. If we survive infancy and are accountable, earth is also that place–intentionally more distant from our Heavenly Father’s immediate presence–where we can gain experience through agency and adversity.
The Plan addresses potentially problematic concepts that seem to pre-date the plan. These include agency, justice, and accountability. Without some compensating intervention, our failures with agency will cause us to permanently separate ourselves from our Heavenly Father and from our destiny of becoming like Him. Jesus volunteered to resolve the demands of justice for our mistakes and failures, but with conditions for us. We would have to believe and trust in Him; we would have to develop a humble, broken heart and an enduring attitude of contrition.
We would have to become formally devoted to Jesus and to our Father in Heaven and to living laws that are consistent with being like them–such as those called out in the Baptismal, Endowment, and Sealing ordinances. While the resurrection is a free and universal gift, overcoming the penalties of our sins is not–all of God’s grace notwithstanding. We can only fulfill the plan to become like our Heavenly Parents through sincere faith and repentance and by fulfilling the terms of our baptism and temple covenants.
Not everyone liked the plan. Consistent with the apparently inviolable nature of agency, we were not forced to accept it. A war was waged. This was surely a war fought to persuade, not to force. I imagine that the casting out of the third part of the host of heaven was more about the natural consequences of badly used agency than it was about the wrath of an angry God. The God who weeps, surely must have wept at the refusal of so many of his children to trust in Him and His plan–a challenge each of us still faces.
You and I chose our Heavenly Father’s plan and placed our full reliance on the Savior.
Now I want to reiterate something here… Our goal in this life is not merely to return to God. The Book of Mormon teaches that we’re all going to do that, anyway. And, since we were already with Him in the pre-existence, being sent away from Him merely to see if we could make it back, doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. There was from the beginning a greater and clear purpose–the understanding of which is key to navigating many difficult topics that challenge people’s faith today: the goal is for us, as sons and daughters of God, to become like Them. By definition, becoming means that how I am tomorrow will be different than how I am today. Becoming means changing.
The goal has always been to change–from the incomplete versions of ourselves that we currently are–to complete versions of ourselves, with all the abilities and capacities of our Heavenly Parents, male and female. Heavenly Father’s goal for us, which we accepted and even fought for, is for us to become something different than we were in the pre-existence–and something still different than we are now.
To say that who or what I am today is who or what I must be in eternity is to deny the significance and nature of God and reject the wonderful possibility of becoming like Him. God does love you and me today, as we are. That does not mean that his hopes and plans and invitations for each of us is limited to our current stage of development.
The outcome we should pursue is not one that doubles down on our current natures–for “the natural man is an enemy to God”–but rather the outcome of having our natures changed by coming to the Savior and meeting His conditions. It is not by digging our heels into who we are today that will bring us to the greatest conclusion, but by yielding what we are today to the enticings of the Holy One.
Also important: Because Heavenly Father’s plan is perfect–and because the Savior’s Atonement is infinite–our destinies can be realized independent of our circumstances in mortality. You can be short or tall, rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight, talented at this or talented at that… One primary thing will determine our outcome–and it is not our current condition or circumstances. It is our agency. God will not force any of us. We will choose–either our full destiny–or some diminished, though still positive, version of it.
Note that God, Himself, is subject to the law of justice. Alma 42 tells us that if God attempts to ignore or work around justice, He will cease to be God. But because of the Atonement of Christ, we can trade the worst consequences of our sins for devotion to and a covenant relationship with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.
The role of the Church in this process should not be overemphasized. Nor should it be underemphasized. The Church is not God. But fulfilling our destiny requires a covenant relationship with God that is specifically and consciously entered into by both parties. That covenant relationship must be formalized through a properly authorized physical act (an ordinance) on the earth. The Church is the steward of God’s authority on the earth and is the only entity authorized right now to bind us and God to each other in that covenant relationship through which He can help us become as He is.
The Church is run by human beings. Revelation is real, but it doesn’t come as a constant, detailed, complete set of instructions to Church leaders. We should not allow the mistakes of human Church leaders to separate us from the priesthood keys which they can exercise on our behalf. A mistake made by a Church leader does not prove that he holds no priesthood keys. It reflects that he is human.
We neither worship Church leaders nor claim they are infallible. Church leaders do, however, have a special relationship with God’s authority which gives them a perspective that is different from yours and mine. When our opinion of something contradicts theirs, we should pause before concluding that we’re right and they’re wrong. We should especially pause before letting that difference remove us from the blessings we can enjoy when they turn priesthood keys on our behalf and on behalf of those we love.
One of the sillier common criticisms of our Church is that we have a sense of exclusivity, meaning you have to be a “Mormon” in order to get to heaven. In fact, we believe every single son or daughter of God will have an informed opportunity to enter into a covenant relationship with their Heavenly Father and Savior. Passing through the pearly gates will have little to do with “church membership,” per se, and much to do with the legitimacy of mutually binding covenants.
Mortality is fickle. It is full of beauty, joy, wonder, and miracles. It is also difficult and painful. While it is true that blessings follow obedience, the often embraced companion to that idea–that an exemption from pain or hardship also follows obedience–is horribly misleading. We must try to learn to accept this to avoid being spiritually blindsided when it happens. No amount of faith, repentance, and devotion may spare any of us from pains and tragedies that faithful disciples don’t “deserve.” Just ask Abinadi, Joseph Smith, the original twelve apostles, or some deeply faithful members of our own stake. Do blessings follow faith, repentance, and devotion? Absolutely. Are those blessings sometimes material? Yes. Are they sometimes immediate? Yes. But often they are not material and often they are not immediate. Faith and repentance bring rich and immediate rewards, but some blessings will be received in eternity.
We must not lose sight of the fact that our goal is to become like our Heavenly Parents, which involves yielding ourselves to a process whereby our very natures are changed. This process is not comprised of checklists. The Pharisees attempted the idea of checklist salvation and where did that get them?
Checking a list of do’s and don’ts will not punch our golden tickets into the Celestial Kingdom. Not even ticking all the boxes of receiving each of the saving ordinances will do that. Success is more about becoming than it is about doing–at least in the Pharisaical sense that so easily slips into our thinking. Should we keep the commandments? Yes! “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” But ours is not a doctrine of formulaic or checkbox salvation.
Neither do we believe in relative rankings and outperforming our neighbors. God does not judge on a curve. We believe in loving our neighbors, not in comparing ourselves to them–or them to us. Each of us should become like our Heavenly Parents via the covenant path, but individual experiences along that way will vary.
The questions we should ask ourselves are less about the check boxes and more about the attributes we’re developing. We should ask… Do I truly love God and put Him first in my life? Do I strive to emulate the Savior? Do I love the people I encounter–including those different from me–or who aren’t nice to me? Am I honest? Am I humble? Am I meek? Am I kind and compassionate? Do I strive to serve and to lift? Am I learning patience? Is my heart soft enough to forgive those who harm me and those I love?
“We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.” (The phrase “all mankind” is radically inclusive.)
I suspect it is not, technically, the saving ordinances that will save us–but, rather, the change that God brings about within us when we strive to live the principles connected to those ordinances and to being in a true covenant relationship with Him. This involves effort from us–and is why complacency is a sin–and striving (even when we fail!) is a virtue. Perfectionism sounds helpful, but it is not.
Obedience probably doesn’t save us because we’re checking boxes, but because it creates the conditions in which God can bring about the change we came here for. It is true that we are tested in life, but I imagine this life is less about a pass-fail test than it is about learning and becoming.
What happens after this life? Again, we know a little–and there’s a lot we don’t know. We know there is a separation between the faithful and the less faithful in the spirit world. We know the gospel is taught there. We know that ordinances performed on earth can be accepted there. We know there will be a resurrection and a judgment. All will be resurrected. But not all resurrected bodies will be identical. We know that Jesus will be our judge–and our mediator and even our advocate. It’s been suggested that that process will look more like our being invited in than being kept out. It seems that, in the end, only one thing will keep us out–and that is the agency that we started with.
We do not know exactly how long the process will take between death and something that may be considered a final judgment. Nor do we know the extent of what can happen within that process. We know that we are already invited to become perfect like our Heavenly Parents–but since we obviously don’t achieve that in this life, there is some additional process of continued becoming. We know that we should look on our present situation with a sense of urgency and be anxiously engaged–avoiding the sin of complacency — but with faith and trust instead of spiritual anxiety.
We’ve all heard the phrase, “You can’t take it with you.” That is certainly true of material things, but there is a long list of things we can take with us, including: our covenants; our knowledge and experience; our history of choices, desires, and priorities; our character development; some aspects of our “sociality”; our priesthood; and our continuation along the plan of salvation–or, maybe it could be called the Plan of Becoming. We will definitely take with us what we have, so far, become.
What is the point of all this? The point is this… You and your loved ones are children of perfect Heavenly Parents. They love each one of Their children. They have provided a plan whereby we can become like Them. We know some fundamental, important things about that plan, but our missing knowledge of many details invites us to trust.
We should exercise faith and patience with the things we don’t yet know. We should trust our Father in Heaven and our Savior and their love–and stick with the plan we accepted–not merely because we accepted it, but because its authors are not missing any knowledge, they love us, and they know where the plan will bring each of us if we stick with it. We should exercise faith and repentance; we should understand and try to keep our covenants; and we should strive to grow in Godly attributes, always leading with love.
I testify that we have a Father in Heaven and a Savior. I testify that if we will follow their plan with faith and patience, we will become like them with a fulness of joy, even if we don’t currently see how to connect all the dots to getting there. Hence, faith. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
There Are Many Questions
[Closing remarks by Chris Juchau at the conclusion of the adult session of Stake Conference (which was comprised of Q&A), April 2017.]
Brothers and Sisters,
This has been an unusual evening. We decided to solicit your questions because we are anxious to address the things of greatest concern to you and hoped that this approach might allow us to at least try to help in the areas of greatest need. We also want you to know that your questions and concerns are important to us and we wish to be helpful to you even if, like you, we also don’t have every answer to every question.
Many thanks to our Relief Society presidency for their willingness to seek and receive inspiration in the things they shared tonight. There was a question tonight about valuing women. This is a church for men and women. We are equal. Holding priesthood offices does not make husbands or priesthood leaders any more equal than women. Why men hold priesthood offices and priesthood keys, I do not know. But everyone who has been paying the slightest bit of attention during their life knows full well that both men and women need the perspectives, points of view, insights, and inspiration that come to and from women.
Let me just make four quick points as we wrap up the evening.
First, as has been said, when there are things that we don’t know, let’s please remember the things we do know. These include that God is our father and that while He desires to help us and does help us, solving all of our problems for us and answering all of our questions in perfect clarity are not part of this phase of his plan for us.
Faith and agency are essential. But there is no faith where there is no uncertainty. And there is no agency where there is no opposition. Both uncertainty and opposition are going to be with us and we should not be caught off guard by either of those when they are with us
We do have the Light of Christ.
We do have the gift of the Holy Ghost.
We do have inspired leaders.
And we do have the spiritual gifts and experiences of others around us.
All of which can help light our way as we move forward with faith in spite of adversity and opposition.
In the hymn “Lead, Kindly Light,” we sing the words, “Lead, kindly Light (note “Light” is spelled with a capital “L”!) amid the encircling gloom;… I do not ask to see the distant scene—one step enough for me.” And so it is that if we will trust the Lord, He will light the way for us. Not, likely, the whole way in vivid detail from this moment to the ultimate end. But enough to reward our trust. Let us move forward with faith, striving to learn as we go. Let us not attempt to entirely replace faith with our current learning that is not yet perfected.
Second, let us do the things that will strengthen us as we go through life’s challenges. Sometimes standing at a pulpit and admonishing people to say their prayers and study their scriptures feels a lot like a parent telling their teenagers to remember who they are or their children to look both ways before crossing the street. We fear the eyeroll in response. Jacob seems practically to have given up in exasperation when he said, “Oh, be wise. What can I say more?”
Of all that can be said, few things are more important than inviting people to develop their relationships with God, which will be done by conversing with him in prayer, hearing from him in scripture, and learning through the Spirit in the house of the Lord. Life is hard. But just as adequate sleep, exercise, and nutrition will make life better without guaranteeing an absence of hardship,… prayer, scripture study, and temple attendance create spiritual strength which makes life better endured and appreciated.
Third, let us be patient and submissive. If you want to find peace in life, then quit being angry at life’s injustices and inequities. What right would I have to more justice and equity than were experienced by the early pioneers who gave all they had to come to Zion only to freeze and starve to death before getting here. None. And I know it. Instead of anger and bitterness, choose faith with its three companions: trust, hope, and submissiveness.
Let us also be patient and submissive in the acquisition of answers to our questions. Truth is revealed “line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little” and “unto him that receiveth, I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.” Patience is rewarded. Impatience is, essentially, punished. As the Savior said, “In your patience possess ye your souls.”
Fourth, let us lean on each other more. Utilize your priesthood leaders. There is a fear of priesthood authority within some in our Church. We have ten wonderful bishops in our stake. I have two of the finest counselors I could possibly hope to serve with. The thirteen of us are committed to helping you through difficult things as best we can. If that involves sin, we’re not out to get you. We’re anxious to help you. Please let us.
We also have wonderful Relief Society presidents in this stake—incredible Relief Society presidents! And High Priest Group Leaders and Elders Quorum presidents. The bishop is not required for every problem or question. He is required where a judgment must be made regarding worthiness. He is required where Fast Offering funds may be applied. But he is not the only person who can advise you through a financial, or marital, or addiction problem. Get help where you can get it, but if you need it, get it!! And don’t avoid the very people who can help you, including confidentially.
Brothers and Sisters, let me close with my testimony. Joseph Smith saw our Father in Heaven. He saw the Savior. Physically. In person. They spoke to him. He received priesthood and priesthood keys from John the Baptist, Peter, James, and John, Moses, Elijah, and Elias. The quintessential importance of families was revealed to him. The sealing power was given to him. Temple covenants, ordinances, and ceremonies were revealed to him.
Fifteen living prophets today each possess all of the priesthood and priesthood keys that Joseph Smith did.
All of that happened that we might come to the Savior, that we might come to Him through valid covenants, and that we might come to Him, ultimately, as husbands and wives, as families. That we might be exalted and live as our Father in Heaven lives.
That is exactly what will happen to us if we make the covenants we need to make and if we strive to yield our hearts completely to God as we strive to keep the letter and the spirit of those covenants.
May you who are so striving feel the love and acceptance of the Savior and of your Father in Heaven. May you believe in them enough to allow yourselves to feel their love and acceptance. If you are not so striving, then repent quickly because your choice to submit to those covenants, or not to, will have consequences. And if you repent sincerely, you are sure to discover that repentance is a joyful and rewarding thing.
This is the Church of Jesus Christ. I so testify in His name, amen.
Parenting: Love and Patience Win
[Given by Chris Juchau at a Saturday evening adult session of Stake Conference April 26, 2015.]
I would like to address my remarks tonight to parents. I recognize that not everyone who wishes to be a parent is yet. And I recognize that not every parent feels equally yoked with their spouse. But I also acknowledge gratefully that everyone who makes and keeps sacred covenants with a broken and contrite heart will, in fact, be eligible for all the blessings of Abraham, including the blessings (and surely the challenges) associated with parentage and the blessing of sharing the rewards and challenges of parenting with another.
My purpose is primarily to encourage. I hope also that I may share an idea or two that will have practical benefits. I pray that my comments will reflect God’s will and that the Holy Ghost will continue with us while we visit together. It has been a rewarding evening thus far.
I would like to begin by giving away the ending to what I think is the best piece of fiction I know. It is the 19th century Russian novel, Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoevsky. To me, it is more of a parable than a piece of fiction. Its message continues to have a very heavy influence on my understanding of the nature of God and of the Plan of Salvation.
Crime and Punishment is the story of a young man, a college student named Raskolnikov, who decides to test a philosophy which promotes that some great people are destined to be above the law—and above other people. And so, wishing to be such a person, he tests this theory by committing a murder, which unexpectedly becomes a double murder of two extremely innocent and helpless women. Dostoevsky intentionally chose a horrific sin to illustrate his message.
Raskolnikov, who has no faith in and perhaps very little understanding of the Savior, begins to suffer greatly as a result of his awful crime. His suffering affects him in every way—emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. As is too common with us when we are burdened with guilt, he withdraws from those who love him the most and that causes his suffering to intensify.
While this is happening, he meets a girl named Sonia. Sonia is a symbol for the Savior. She is well acquainted with suffering and is in the process of wearing out her life for those she loves. She has two parents who are sickly and incapable of caring for their children and she has two younger siblings who are destitute. The five of them manage to eat only because of the money Sonia brings in as a prostitute.
There are, for me, three major highlights in the story—all involving Sonia and her responses to Raskolnikov.
The first occurs when she recognizes that he is suffering terribly but she doesn’t yet know why. She reads to Raskolnikov the 11th Chapter of John, the story of the raising of Lazarus, to teach him that no one—not even a dead man—can outdistance himself or herself from the Savior’s ability to heal.
The second occurs when Raskolnikov confesses his crime to Sonia and she responds—not with anger or scolding or by recoiling in disgust, but with compassion and empathy for the unbearable suffering she immediately recognizes he has been and is still enduring.
The third occurs at the end of the book. At Sonia’s encouragement, Raskolnikov confesses his sin both publicly in the market square and formally to the authorities. He is sentenced to labor in Siberia and Sonia follows him. In Siberia he lives inside a fenced prison work camp. For a very, very long time, he seems shut down emotionally and spiritually. He is rather cold-hearted and unresponsive to the kindnesses Sonia shows when she visits him at the fence and brings him food. But she is committed to loving him for however long it takes and, at the end of the book, reminiscent of Lazarus’s response to the Savior’s call to come forth, her steadfast, consistent love for Raskolnikov finally wins. His heart softens and he receives her love—and the love of God. He who seemed lost was found. Love and patience won.
Sixteen years ago in one of my very first priesthood meetings in the Highland 12th Ward (three wards and stakes ago though we’ve never moved in those 16 years!), I had a small but, for me, very profound experience learning about parenting. I was sitting with a group of high priests, who I was just barely beginning to know. The topic of the lesson had to do with parenting. At one point, a discussion broke out which turned into a mild debate with some brethren positing that good parenting requires strictness and rigidity and others countering that a softer, more permissive approach yields better results.
And then “the man” spoke. I didn’t know him yet, but I quickly noticed that when he spoke people paid close attention and I later learned that he was the stake patriarch. His name was Brother Adams. He said (nearest I recall) something like this: “I decided years ago that specific techniques of parenting are of relatively little consequence when compared to one important principle—which is that my children know that I love them and that my love is sincere, genuine, and constant. When I committed to that principle as a guiding principle of my parenting, I became a better parent.”
That seems like a simple concept. It is consistent with something I have also come to believe about our Father in Heaven which is that, more than anything, He wants us to know that He loves us. Love and patience win.
I know a lot of wonderful parents. Recently I have come to know two parents who are prioritizing consistent, demonstrated love in their parenting and who I believe are winning and will win with their children even though circumstances are very difficult and even though it sometimes seems hard for them to discern a light at the end of the tunnel.
One is a mother of a middle-aged son who is in prison. He made some horrible choices years ago which landed him there, but though he is still there, he is a different man today than when he was committing his crimes. He is going about, as best he can under limiting conditions, doing good and helping others. He has a strong relationship with the Savior and with his Heavenly Father. Moreso than many of us, perhaps, he has reached a level of humility that has almost entirely stripped him of pride, pretense, and guile. Though in prison, he enjoys the freedom, ironically, of hiding nothing. He accepts his errors and his failings. He also accepts the embrace of the Savior—and the embrace of his mother. His great progress today is due in no small part to the consistent love of a mother, who might tell you, herself, that she is not a perfect mother but she is winning and so is her son.
Another is a father of a teenage son who is going through intense personal anguish and openly questioning whether he will choose to reject many of the things his parents hold most dear. His suffering has lead him to question God’s role in his life and whether the Plan of Happiness really applies to him. As parents do, his parents are suffering along with him through many tears and little sleep. Recently this father told me that his highest priority is maintaining a warm, loving, accepting, and communicative relationship with his son, no matter what choices his son makes. I am very optimistic for this young man and for his parents, notwithstanding the current acute difficulties.
I am reminded of a story Sister Richards, our stake RS president, brought to my attention a few months ago. It was published in the Ensign quite a few years ago.
It is the story of a young man who told his mother he wouldn’t be going to church any longer and openly quit living the standards of the Church, much to his mother’s distress. Distress so great, she recalled, “Sometimes I thought death would be easier for me. But I loved him no less.”
The writer of the story notes, “John was what you’d call a lost cause. Anybody could tell you that. No one knew what to do with him. But there was one place where he was welcome—home. And there were two people who welcomed him—his parents.”
His mother wrote, “When he would bring his friends to our home, they’d all go down to his bedroom in the basement. I knew they were doing things they shouldn’t. But I loved my son and just couldn’t send him and his friends away as some of my neighbors thought I should. Instead I went into my bedroom and closed the door and got down on my knees and asked Heavenly Father what I should do. “Should I send them out onto the street and wonder what they were doing and where they were going? Or should I let them stay here and do things I disapprove of?
“I stayed on my knees until I received some direction. Others might have received a different answer, but for me the impression each time was the same: ‘Get up off your knees and go put on a pot of stew for them. And love those boys.’” Friends condemned her for it. “You’re not upholding Christian standards,” they told her, “by having those boys around.” “I had but one answer: ‘I am trying to live those first two great commandments.’”
Being allowed to remain at home while working through his problems kept him close to his parents. He learned to trust them—even to confide in them. When everyone else seemed against him, he knew his parents still loved him. Eventually his relationship with them made it easier for him to seek activity in the Church again.
I was also reminded a couple of weeks ago by Bishop Sumner of Joseph Smith’s need for his parents when he first began having to endure tremendous hardship when, as just a young boy, faced with having part of his leg bone cut out without painkillers, he requested that his father stay with him and hold him, and that his mother leave so as to not hear the difficulty of it.
I recently read a statement by a Catholic priest who said, “It is through the sacrament of marriage that we learn what God’s love is like.” I do believe that marriage and parenting are schools—schools that teach us much if we will apply ourselves to the lessons.
I have heard people chortle at the notion of joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Parenting is a school. It is a school for our children and it is a school for us. It provides for us a broad range of experiences and emotions, including joy, which has the potential to become permanent—and which potential is strengthened by our sealing covenants and by our keeping our covenants.
May I briefly offer a few suggestions for parents who seek the joy of parenting, whether you feel like you experience much of that joy now or whether it sometimes feels elusive or even distant. I do so at the risk of having some of my own children present who have been witnesses to the poorest parts of my own parenting—but with appreciation to the good things I have learned about parenting from my own parents.
First… Be loving above all else. Don’t just love your children with your heart (although we must do that!). Love them with your words and be affectionate with them. For some people, sarcasm and criticism are a way of life, but it’s a discouraging lifestyle. I do think it’s possible to over-shower a child with praise, but as a rule, our children need to hear much more positive aimed at them from us than criticism. They need to feel love by seeing, hearing, and feeling us take sincere interest in them. Our words should include frequent “I love you’s” and we should be liberal with hugs and physical affection.
Second… It is important that our children sense that we delight in them. I will try to explain what I mean by that. I believe that human beings have a built-in ability to perceive the stance of another human being’s heart toward them. If you have read The Anatomy of Peace or are familiar with The Arbinger Institute, you’re also familiar with the phrases “heart at war” and “heart at peace.” When our hearts are at peace—when they are soft toward or receptive to our children—I believe our children sense it and that results not only in a better relationship, but in more confidence in themselves and a greater sense of courage. When our hearts are at war toward our children—when we are focused on their shortcomings or on our frustrations with them and our hearts are harder or defensive—I believe they also sense that and the result is distance in the relationship, a lack of confidence, and perhaps worst of all, discouragement: literally a reduction of courage. Delighting in your child doesn’t mean acting silly or over-the-top with them, it means having a heart that is truly soft toward them as the Savior’s is toward us. They do sense the stance of our hearts toward them.
Third… Be committed to the gospel and to the Church. (Both matter.) Your children also perceive the posture of your heart toward the gospel and toward the Church. It cannot be faked. When parents show that their lives are genuinely anchored in the Gospel of Jesus Christ; that they are serious about their covenants to keep the commandments; and when they hear them teach positively and often about the gospel… Those children have a greater sense of stability, optimism, and resilience. They have greater confidence in their parents and in themselves. The things that are important to you will transfer more effectively to them.
Fourth… Help them learn to manage their agency and become independent. Talk to them about choices and about consequences, including positive consequences. Let them experience choices and consequences. Let them make as many decisions on their own as their age and maturity allow. Teach them to think critically and independently. Teach them about money and work and responsibility. (A teenager having a job is about as important to me as them doing well in school.) Be sure that along with your goal of always maintaining a close, loving relationship with your child, you also have a goal to help your children be able to function and thrive without being dependent on you.
God sent them here to learn to use their agency without undue influence from parents. Be sure your parental control over their exercising their agency diminishes as they mature. Most children will generally force that anyway, so work with them on this cooperatively.
Lastly… Involve your families in the “work of salvation.” Or, if you are already doing so, continue looking for ways to be even more effective. Counseling together as families and working on missionary work and family history and on loving less active neighbors and family members will strengthen your children.
Brothers and Sisters, my father has many sayings. One of them is this: “It’s a good life if you don’t weaken.” That saying means increasingly more to me as I get older. Parenting is a long-term arrangement. It includes joy and sorrow, delight and frustration, love and growth. It is one of the things that can refine us if we exert ourselves and yield ourselves to its lessons.
I offer my encouragement. I have said before, there are two kinds of parents: those who have been humbled by their efforts to parent and those who will be. But remember: the children in your care are Heavenly Father’s children. His love for them is perfect. His desire for them is no less than that they may become like Him. He sees their potential and, unlike us, His perspective is complete and unimpaired. Do your best and then trust in Him as your senior companion. The Savior, too, is our partner and much more. He will mediate and advocate for you and for your children. Remember that love and patience win.
Let us do all that we can and press forward with commitment, courage, and a sense of optimism; with faith in Christ and in our Father in Heaven. I pray that we will experience joy along the journey and ultimately in our Heavenly Father’s presence. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
An Inclusive Church
[Given by Chris Juchau at Ward Conferences in the Highland Utah South Stake in early 2015]
Brothers and Sisters, I would like to address my remarks today to a specific subset of the ward. I would like to speak directly and frankly to those of you who, for any number of reasons, do not feel entirely comfortable at church. If you attend an LDS church long enough, you can get stuck with the notion that there is an ideal model of what proper church members look like and that if you don’t fit that model closely enough, then you’re somehow left on the outside looking in. You may feel uncomfortable with how you do or don’t fit in with other members of the Church.
Imagine I’m holding a picture right now showing you the “ideal” model of LDS members. In that picture, you might imagine seeing a handsome father and a lovely mother surrounded by their lovely children. Father looks like a kind, loving, confident, financially successful man who has all the answers. Mother looks like a woman with perfect children who composes beautiful new primary songs and writes inspiring blog posts viewed by adoring thousands when she’s not helping her children learn to sew their own clothing or serving nourishing meals to her smiling, grateful family as if in a Betty Crocker commercial. You look at her and just imagine that the world is a more beautiful place everywhere her feet so delicately tread. Of course, Bobby and Suzie and the other children look like straight-A students who are probably student body officers at school and who sometimes spontaneously burst into songs filled with lovely harmonies just like the Von Trapp family kids—and probably do so while they’re helping each other with their chores or delivering soup to their elderly neighbors. Quite a family!
On the other hand, let’s consider what kinds of people actually experience mortality. Let me give you some examples of the kinds of people I’m talking about who don’t always feel like they fit in 100% at church.
One significant example comes from those who don’t have the family structure I just described—looking sharp or not. Some who wish they had spouses do not. Some who would like to bear children cannot. Some have been through profound hardship and disappointment in marriage and not only struggle with the immense challenges of single parenting but feel conspicuous about it in a church where we talk so much about the ideal family. In fact, just enduring church meetings can be a huge challenge because of our emphasis on strong families as the end goal.
Another example comes from those who feel unsure about their testimony. They have doubts or questions they’re not comfortable mentioning to other church members. They may be afraid they’ll be ostracized if they do. They hold back from full participation in various aspects of the church because they feel unsettled or even skeptical and may feel like they’re surrounded by people who have never considered or shared their concerns. Some struggle with church doctrine or church history or with church positions on important social issues—past or current.
Another important example comes from those with social anxieties. After all, if you’re going to be the ideal member in this church, you have to be able to speak in church with poise and confidence and tell stories that leave the audience alternatingly laughing and weeping. You also have to be able to read aloud when suddenly called upon as if you’re James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman. You also have to be prepared with articulate and thoughtful answers to share when put on the spot to answer a question in a class. You couldn’t possibly be someone whose whole body experiences fight-or-flight anxiety, or even panic, at the very thought of public speaking. And so you are careful to navigate the rocky waters of church attendance, so that, using skills both subtle and not so subtle, you avoid the spotlight—perhaps at all costs.
Some may feel like they don’t fit in at church because they struggle with worthiness. They may feel inadequate. They may feel conspicuous. They may feel judged by others. They may not only feel judged but may actually be judged by church members who lack empathy, humility, or knowledge.
Others may be plenty worthy for a temple recommend, but may feel like either LDS doctrine or LDS culture places so much emphasis on being perfect that they cannot escape feeling accused of unworthiness and are unnecessarily burdened by guilt. They may feel dirty and guilty in the very buildings and among the very people who should be fostering their optimism and faith in the atonement. Some see attending church as an exercise in being inflicted with guilt for all the things they don’t do as well as the people in that picture apparently do.
Some seasoned parents and grandparents may feel uncomfortable at church because they don’t think they’ve succeeded at creating that lovely picture of their own families. Perhaps finances have been a struggle that makes them feel inadequate. Perhaps they don’t actually write their own music. Perhaps teenage or young adult or full-grown adult children struggle with poor choices—or perhaps we wish they would struggle with poor choices when, instead, they seem to be embracing them.
There are other examples of people who in one way or another don’t feel like they fit in very well at church. [Author note after the fact: I wish I had mentioned gay or same-sex-attracted members specifically in this talk and expressed support for them also.]
- Some may be new in the ward and just don’t feel like they’ve found friends yet.
- Some may struggle with physical or mental illnesses that limit them in any variety of real ways—whether all of us appreciate their situation adequately or not.
- Some youth may feel like their friends are at school or on sports teams or other places—but not so much in their home ward.
- Some older people may feel like my own mother does who was recently released from being a primary teacher and now fears that she is unneeded and has been “put out to pasture.”
You may think of yet other circumstances in which people feel a little (or a lot) uncomfortable at church.
All around us are people who are struggling with any number of things. Within the sound of my voice are probably a couple of people who are dealing, very privately, with significant personal problems. They have been convincing themselves that they can handle their problem on their own. They want to avoid sharing their problems with others, including family, friends, or bishops—yet they bear a heavy burden and things are really not getting better. Such situations seldom get better until they are brought out of the darkness and into the light—with at least someone.
If any of these types of situations apply to you – then… what shall we do? More to my point, what should you do? I have four suggestions.
First, be open to the idea that many in the church are sensitive to and understanding of the challenges that you and others go through—and… Be willing to let them know about your challenges and then accept the support they offer to lend. Don’t try to take self-reliance too far.
Speaking for myself, I am familiar with struggles of testimony and doubts and questions and challenges to my faith. I have experienced feelings of unworthiness. I have experienced strong social anxiety. I have been a youth in a ward with no close friends. I have been new in a ward and felt like I didn’t fit in. I definitely don’t think attending church should be an exercise in getting discouraged with guilt over my shortcomings or my inability to do well literally everything that is expected of that father in the picture.
One thing I have never struggled with is being a single woman or a single mother or single father. I cannot say to know first-hand what those challenges are like. I imagine, though, that they can be massive and I appreciate that coming to church and hearing about celestial families all the time can be, for some, a difficult thing.
Many in the church do understand and many others are eager to learn. Many wish to help share burdens out of genuine love. Do not be afraid to let them even if that just means them listening.
Our church should be a welcome and comfortable place for all. We have, in fact, an obligation to make it comfortable for all regardless of other people’s backgrounds, circumstances, or apparent spirituality. And we must repent of any judgmentalism or other behaviors that make it less comfortable for others. We certainly must help lighten loads.
The Savior is our clear example. He sought out the poor in spirit and those who were marginalized or completely disenfranchised by society or by religion or by cultural norms. He ate with sinners, publicans, and others of questioned repute. He welcomed those who were physically and mentally ill. He spent loving time alike with Pharisees, outcasts from the Jewish religion, and non-believers. He honored old and young, male and female, married, unmarried, and single parents. Of course, ultimately, he experienced all of the pains and sufferings endured by any and all who suffer in any way. And He knows exactly how you and I feel. Exactly. Not all of the rest of us know exactly how you may feel about various things but we may know more than you imagine—and we probably know enough to appreciate in a meaningful way what you are going through.
Second, please be patient with those who remind you of the family in that picture—and forgiving of those who seem judgmental or hypocritical—for they, too, have struggles in spite of the best appearances, and, like all of us, they are trying and they are struggling with their own shortcomings and disappointments, trying to be happy and move forward. Judging the judgmental and denying them the generosity of non-judgment that we want from them just harms us.
If you know someone is judging you, forgive them. If you think someone might be judging you but don’t really no for certain, then give them the benefit of the doubt and decide that they are not. If you think somebody just doesn’t know or hasn’t experienced enough to really “get it,” then be patient with them and non-critical of their ignorance-driven poor judgment. If it looks like others are having more success than you, be happy for them.
Once about 25 years ago, I had an experience golfing with two friends. None of us were great golfers. On the first hole, which was a par 5 that crossed a little stream at the Spanish Oaks golf course, one of my friends (I’ll call him John) miraculously hit the three luckiest shots of his life in a row and eagled the hole, two under par. The other friend (I’ll call him Mark) seemed not to notice, being caught up in his own struggles on that hole. Some holes later, the roles were almost miraculously reversed and Mark, who had struggled on the first hole, came up with what is surely still the only eagle of his life. Only this time, John, who did poorly on the second hole took obvious and sincere delight in Mark’s success and celebrated with him—to the point where Mark lamented aloud to us that he had not taken more joy in John’s earlier success.
It is a hard thing to do to share joy in other people’s successes when we feel like our own is not occurring, but we can remember that the first shall be last and the last shall be first; that he who sits in the lower rooms will be invited by the master to take a higher place; and that the Savior’s promise to the poor in spirit who come unto him is that they will receive the kingdom of heaven. The meek will inherit the earth. They who mourn will be comforted. And they who hunger and thirst will be filled. All healing for ourselves and all feelings of magnanimity and generosity toward others will ultimately come from our trusting in the Savior’s role and His Atonement.
Third, regardless of your circumstances, I beg of you to please nurture yourself spiritually. As we all know, church members’ eyes and minds can glaze over so instantly at the mere mention of daily prayer and scripture reading. Yet the impact to us of those two things is just huge!
If you’re a single parent, it may be legitimately difficult to find the time for personal prayer and scripture study and an occasional visit to the temple. If you’re feeling discouraged, doubtful, or inadequate, you may have time but not feel very motivated to reach out to God.
But the reality is that God is real and He is our father and we need Him. If we connect ourselves to him through communication—if we speak to him in our prayers—and listen to him through the scriptures and through personal revelation (something we probably receive more of than we recognize)—we will receive strength. In fact, I think we’re strengthened so much spiritually that it also impacts us emotionally, mentally, physically, and socially. You and I are completely foolish, indeed, when we underestimate the requisite nature and healing impact to our souls of daily communion with God. I know that both first-hand and second-hand. Whatever we may be struggling with, withdrawing from Him makes it worse.
Whatever you do, do not fail to protect a few precious moments in each day to connect with God—at home, in your car, your closet, or at the temple.
For those of you who even vaguely resemble the ideal family, you must recognize that you have been given much and that from you much is required. Where you have neighbors who need your service in order to be able to attend the temple, provide it.
By the way, I will briefly add this: I do not think or expect that God answers every prayer the way we want it answered. But I do believe he responds to every prayer in the way that is best for us. Sometimes when we feel we are getting no answer, the answer we are getting is an expression of confidence in our ability to choose and move forward with well-placed faith. He wants us to consider and to ponder and pray, but He usually does not want us doing nothing while we wait for Him to tell us what to do.
Lastly, according to your circumstances, participate directly in the salvation of others. You have heard in this conference and will hear more in the next hour about the work of salvation which includes missionary work, effective teaching, reactivation of less-active members, and temple and family history work. We urge participation in these things for three very simple reasons: it’s what the Lord wants us to do, it may very well bless the lives of those we serve, and it will surely bless our own lives. Those are simple and good reasons why we ask you to participate in family history work and to have an active family mission plan, for example. Doing those things will not solve all your problems, but they will bless and help protect you and your family.
Now we have to reconcile our invitation to participate in these things with two simple concepts:
- One is that we should not run faster than we have strength—and some people have legitimately limiting circumstances. Such people should strive to participate in ways that they can without feeling guilty about the ways that they can’t right now. There is too much guilt among us. Motivating “godly sorry” is something to appreciate and even to nurture. But discouraging guilt is something we need to combat by improving our understanding of our relationship with our Heavenly Father and by putting more trust in the effects of the Atonement.
- Another is that where much is given, much is required and here in Highland, Utah much has been given to many. Some of us need to be more accepting of that and, frankly, do more.
These are personal, individual matters. We invite all to participate to the extent that you both can and should. It will bless your life.
I express my love to you on behalf of the stake presidency and the entire stake council. We desire our Father in Heaven’s sweetest blessings for you and your loved ones. We want every member of our stake to feel welcome, to feel accepted and included and to know that they are loved. We also know that your happiness is a personal matter and is largely, if not entirely, up to you. We urge you to participate in those things which comprise living after the manner of happiness, which happiness can coexist with a wide variety of circumstances.
Our Father in Heaven does live and love us. Jesus Christ is indeed our Savior. And this is His church. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
On Trust, Patience, Lilies, and Peace
Life is hard. I doubt there’s much debate over that. I am in awe of those for whom life is exceptionally hard. As Father Zosima (in “The Brothers Karamazov”) did to Dmitri out of respect for Dmitri’s suffering, I sometimes feel to bow to those who experience life’s more profound hardships.
It is easier, I think, to speak of the Lord’s peace (“not as the world giveth, give I unto you”) and of placing our trust in Him (“trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding”) when life is, for whatever reason, not as hard for us as it is for others. But what about when you’re the one facing any number of very difficult things: an ominous health diagnosis, betrayal from a spouse, same-sex attraction, a disabled child, a rebellious child, joblessness, rejection, depression, poverty, etc.
Nevertheless—and without being dismissive of the enormity of those challenges (as the word “nevertheless” might suggest)—the Savior’s message to us is that He will, in fact, give rest to those who are “heavy laden.” (In one sense, “heavy laden” is relative, with some thinking they’re heavy laden even while, in fact, they have it much easier than others; while in another legitimate sense, we are surely all “heavy laden.”)
“Take my yoke upon you,” He said, “and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” The phrase “take my yoke upon you” means two things to me. First, get after it; head up, chin up, and keep going. If we’re going to be yoked together, we’ll need to do push as best we can. Second, trust Him to do His part. A key to the scripture is in the phrase “learn of me.” The more we become acquainted with Christ and with his attributes and motives, the easier it is to place our trust in Him. “This is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” Coming to know him better should be an active life-long pursuit for all of us.
The Savior also taught us to not worry about worldly things and things that we just don’t need to fret over right now. For “which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?” On the other hand, “Consider the lilies” and the Lord’s willingness to take care of us who are “much better than” even those beautiful and perfectly obedient lilies.
No matter how much of a struggle we get into, it is always made worse by losing our perspective: when we decide our poor circumstances are permanent; when we doubt God’s existence (or at least His caring) because our troubles persist and He does not seem to respond to our requests to make them go away; when we believe that we must handle things on our own when we, in fact, can’t; etc. Such false ideas accentuate stress and lead to despair. They tend to lead us toward both giving up in our efforts and distrusting God—two things that will prevent us from finding rest for our souls.
I am reminded frequently of the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” How much we need to remember that!
I am also reminded of one of my favorite short verses of scripture (if only I could apply it better!): “In your patience possess ye your souls.”
Get to know God, trust Him, work, and be patient. This is part of living after the manner of happiness. And surely leads to the rest we seek.
Living "after the manner of happiness" 