Tag Archives: perfectionism

Twelve Things to Teach Our Children at Home

[Ward Conferences, 2019]

In our last General Conference, President Nelson said, “The long-standing objective of the Church is to assist all members to increase their faith in our Lord Jesus Christ and in His Atonement, to assist them in making and keeping their covenants with God, and to strengthen and seal their families…  Scriptures make it clear that parents have the primary responsibility to teach the doctrine to their children.”

Our conference today focuses on the idea of home-centered church—or home-centered gospel learning.  I would like to suggest twelve things that parents should especially teach their children at home—and that children should make a point of learning.

First is the nature of our relationship with God.

God is our father.  He loves us as a perfect father would love his children and desire their development and happiness.  Jesus Christ is our brother and also loves us with a perfect love.

Neither of them will tolerate or excuse any sin – yet their plan for us provides an escape from the worst effects of sin for those – and only for those – who love them and submissively receive them.

When I imagine meeting the Savior or my Father in Heaven, I anticipate feeling great love.  I imagine receiving an embrace that will melt all my feelings.  I imagine an overwhelming gratitude that helps me embrace them back.  However, for all their kindness and goodness, I do not think of them as my “chum” or my “buddy.”  I also imagine at that meeting an overwhelming impulse to prostrate myself before them in acknowledgement of my nothingness and in total awe and respect for their perfection.

God is to be loved and gratefully reverenced.

Second, faith.

Faith is one of those lovely thoughts that seems so warm and cozy when the sun is shining and the birds are singing.  But the Lord makes the rain to fall on the just and not just on the unjust.  And those of us who fancy ourselves just are sometimes quite shocked and indignant, even feeling betrayed or abandoned, when the rain falls hard on us.

How will your child react when the rains of life have the water up his chin?  What does God’s plan for us really look like?  Why is uncertainty an essential element of the mortal experience?  What is the role of adversity?  How am I special?  And how am I not?  Why did God leave his Only Begotten alone in the Garden of Eden?  And why will he leave you and I (more or less) alone at moments to experience things on our own?  Why should I trust God in those moments?  And what does it mean that faith is a principle of action?

Each of us feels a responsibility to dress our small child in a warm coat when they must be out in a cold rain.  How much greater our responsibility to teach our children to trust God in their toughest moments.

Third, testimony.

We need to teach our children how to develop testimonies.  Where does a testimony come from?  The Holy Ghost is the most important place.  There are additional evidences that the doctrine of the Church is correct and that the Church is led by men with legitimate priesthood keys.

Our children need to know how to pray, how to try to recognize the Spirit, and how to observe the impact of following the teachings of the Savior and the counsel of living prophets.  They need to know the critical importance of the Book of Mormon.

They also need to see and hear our testimonies, which we must each nurture.  This brings us to…

Fourth, questions.

What is your daughter to do when she has questions that might challenge her testimony?  Here is a catastrophic scenario for how she might handle it.

  • First, she encounters a truth that is easily open to criticism, such as: Joseph Smith had some young wives in addition to Emma.
  • Second, she thinks this might be a game changer and wonders why nobody ever told her before.
  • Third, she thinks it possible that people have been trying to keep unpleasant truths from her so her best bet for exploring this is from people outside the Church.
  • Fourth, she immerses herself in the viewpoints of so-called “anti-Mormons” and “former Mormons.”
  • Eventually, she opts out of church activity.

In this scenario, she has taken an understandable path for someone who believes people have been trying to hide things from her.

How might parents handle this better?

  • They might teach their children about Church history and about the Church’s reasons for its same-sex policies and about its love for gay people and all
  • They might teach their children that questions are normal and good and that they have no need to fear expressing them.
  • They might teach their children about the answers we have to their questions, including in Church-published materials.
  • And they might teach their children about the fact that we don’t have an answer to every question – and about how we handle unknowns.

Fifth, repentance.

I recently heard two mistaken expressions with regard to someone who had committed an egregious sin and, wonderfully, wanted to repent and move on.  The first was that this person decided to go to his bishop to “begin the repentance process.”  The second was that, in so doing, he wanted to get his sin “taken care of.”

Well, repentance does not begin with confession.  And talking to him won’t “take care of” the issue.

For some sins, talking to the bishop is an essential step.  But even then, repentance doesn’t happen in the bishop’s office.  Repentance happens inside a person’s heart.  Repentance isn’t a two-step, five-step, or 50-step process.  Repentance is a genuine change of heart and mind that inevitably results in a change of behavior; it is a reorientation of a person’s entire life toward God.

Genuine repentance is the most rewarding and comforting—and one of the most testimony-building experiences that we can have.

Sixth, the Holy Ghost.

We parents generally do a decent job of teaching their kids about the Holy Ghost.  When an 8-year-old is interviewed for baptism and the Bishop asks about the role of the Holy Ghost children give some good answers:

  • He will warn me of danger.
  • He will comfort me when I’m sad.
  • He will help me know what is true.
  • Some even know that the Holy Ghost will testify specifically of Jesus.

I think we need to teach them one other very important thing.  Her is how Elder Bednar put it, quote:

“The Holy Ghost is a sanctifier who cleanses and burns dross and evil out of human souls as though by fire…  Receiving the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost in our lives creates the possibility of an ongoing cleansing of our soul from sin…  We are blessed both by our initial cleansing from sin associated with baptism and by the potential for an ongoing cleansing from sin made possible through the companionship and power of the Holy Ghost.”

He added:

“May I respectfully suggest that our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son do not intend for us to experience such a feeling of spiritual renewal, refreshment, and restoration just once in our lives.”

Your children know that they were clean at baptism.  How many of them understand that they can be (and many are) as clean now as they were then?

If you’re unrepentant, you’re in serious trouble.  If you’re humble, repentant, and striving, the Holy Ghost is cleansing and sanctifying you on an ongoing basis and you are clean.

Seventh, teach your children about the ordinances and covenants beyond baptism.

Do you—both dads and moms—know how to teach your sons and daughters about the covenant of the Melchizedek Priesthood?  What does it mean to receive the Priesthood, the Savior, and His servants?  What does it mean to live by every word that comes from the mouth of God?  What does it mean to magnify your calling?

If your sons think that serving a full-time mission is a bigger deal than receiving the Priesthood, then we’ve failed them and their future wives and children.

What about the Endowment?  Will you provide your children with the same level of unpreparedness that we received from our parents?  Or will you help them understand what it means to make a full, adult-level commitment to God and to ponder and learn?

Parents would do well to focus more on their kids’ preparedness for the temple than for a mission, though the latter is also important.  Parents might also help their children who aren’t serving full-time missions consider the timing of receiving their Endowment and the wisdom of receiving it well ahead of their temple marriage.

Eighth, being a missionary.

We must undo the compartmentalization of missionary work in many of our minds.  Nobody should start being a missionary when the stake president sets them apart.  And nobody should stop being a missionary when they are released from their calling.

A great topic for family discussion is how to be a conscious, active missionary without a name badge.

Ninth, consecration.

Let me share with you four statements from Church leaders.

First, from LDS.org: “The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby men and women voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God’s kingdom.”

Next, Joseph Smith: “A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary [to lead] unto life and salvation.”

Next, Bruce R. McConkie in General Conference:

The law of sacrifice is a celestial law; so also is the law of consecration. …we must be able to live these two laws.

“Sacrifice and consecration are inseparably intertwined. The law of consecration is that we consecrate our time, our talents, and our money and property to the cause of the Church: such are to be available to the extent they are needed to further the Lord’s interests on earth.

“The law of sacrifice is that we are willing to sacrifice all that we have for the truth’s sake—our character and reputation; our honor and applause; our good name among men; our houses, lands, and families: all things, even our very lives if need be.”

Lastly, the following statement is included in this very first week’s study material in Come Follow Me—For Individuals and Families.  It says, speaking of the infamous “rich young man,” “What he learned—and what we all must learn—is that being a disciple means giving our whole souls to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.”

Tenth, many are called, but few are chosen.         

Setting our hearts upon the things of the world and aspiring to the honors of others—whether through misguided ambitions, social media, or neglect of God and His commandments—will keep us from the blessings of heaven.  “To be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.”

How do we, as families, establish and maintain proper priorities and be spiritually minded?  What a great topic for a family discussion!

Eleventh, perfectionism and vulnerability.

There is a little epidemic that runs through Utah County LDS culture.  It manifests itself in our trying to convey to each other that all is well with us and we have no challenges or struggles.  We try to look good on the outside and keep others out of our insides.  The answer to every “Hi, how are you?” is “Fine, how are you?” because we can’t change the subject fast enough.

Smiling, looking nice, and keeping a nice home, of course, are not sins.

The problem is when we create a culture based on shame and judgmentalism.  Too often, we are following Satan’s advice to “hide” out of unhealthy shame and we do it to avoid the judgments we imagine from others—judgments which are frankly not coming if we’d allow ourselves to discover that.

I don’t think we should go around reciting to everyone we meet all of our failures, shortcomings, and embarrassments.  But I do think we need to teach our children how to be real and vulnerable and how to create a community of genuine love and understanding.

Twelfth, manhood.

How do our sons learn to become outstanding husbands and fathers?  Two ways, I think.  We hope their own fathers’ examples will teach them positively.  And we hope some good things will rub off on them if they go to Church.

But it’s not enough.  All fathers set bad examples in addition to good examples, and osmosis doesn’t magically and sufficiently happen at church.  We need to be explicit and address the subject head-on.

This will require vulnerability from fathers to teach what they should be instead of who they are.  And it will require a willingness from mothers to explain to both their husbands and sons what a wife needs and what genuine manhood looks like to a woman.

Paul said men are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church.  Boys need to be taught by their fathers and mothers what it means to love a woman in a Christlike way.

Testimony

Brothers and Sisters, a new era has come to the Church.  Our homes are to be the center of our worship, our study, and our development.  Fathers and mothers have a divine responsibility to teach their children.

I testify that President Nelson holds priesthood keys and is the mouthpiece of the Lord today.  I testify that Jesus Christ lives and is our Savior.  And I testify that life eternal is to know God and Jesus Christ, whom He sent.  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.